- How Polite
- January 10th, 2010
Rating: PG I think
Summary : Breaking up, and leaving. Leaving a person in pieces.
This is my first time ever writing please excuse me if its complete stupidity.
I had a dream in which I was talking to Heechul about breakups and this is where
I got the idea.
“I’m leaving, I can’t do this anymore I’m so sick and I can’t perform anymore. If they won’t let me rest then I’m just going to have to break from the group completely. I need to get better.”
All 12 members sat in silence all with varied expressions of sadness or complete absentness. No one knew what to say, let alone how to react. If anyone was going to make this speech they all thought it would be Kibum, not Hangeng. Siwon after a few brief moments of reflection got up and embraced Hangeng. That’s when everyone started crying well everyone except Heechul. He knew he would see his love after this after all they’ve been dating for years. They have dealt with the long term stuff, there are always plane tickets, holidays, and of course their web cams.
After a few hours of good byes and pleading from some of the younger members for Hangeng not to leave them like this, Hangeng went to his room to get the rest of his stuff. Heechul was waiting on his bed.
“Everyone acts like they won’t see you ever again, like this is it no more contact. Of course you’re going to visit and of course you would never completely leave Super Junior.” Heechul said matter of factly.
“Hee I’m not coming back, and I also need to tell you something. I don’t know how to do this.”
“Out with it you know I hate sentimental good byes we are going to see each other.”
“That’s just it Hee, we aren’t. I have to end this, all of this. I can’t be with you anymore my heart isn’t in it. I have to be alone for a while. I’m going back to China and I’m not going to web cam and we aren’t going to be together. Someday you will find someone who is worthy of your love, someone who will love you as much as you love them. That person isn’t me anymore. I hope we can still be friends but I just can’t be with you anymore.”
Hangeng never looked up, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t face the man he had loved for so many years. The man he had stayed for, dealt with all the pain and loneliness for. He grabbed the last of his bags and walked out the door, never looking back.
Heechul didn’t move, he didn’t say anything, he didn’t dare breathe. He thought he was just dreaming or that it was just a sick joke that if he just stayed in that spot Hangeng would come back and everything would be all right. Heechul had stayed like that for hours. He didn’t see the passing of time, or the members who would walk in the room trying to get him to talk, eat, hell even blink.
When he had finally snapped he left several messages on Hangeng phone. Angry messages, Sobbing Messages, even silent ones. He just kept calling his number just to hear his voice. It turned into days of him calling over and over again. One day he got a text message after he had left a message that he wasn’t going to give up. It was one line
I just can’t
Heechul scoffed ‘Can’t what?’ so much for supposedly being friends after this. He wrote that in a response but never heard anything back. He stopped calling so frequently. He called only once a night the same time no matter what his schedule he called at the same time. There was never a response…
After a month had passed he had given up. He was so thin now, he was so lifeless, and he wasn’t the same Heechul that everyone knew. The members didn’t know what could be done after all the only solution was Hangeng and that wasn’t a possibility. Then the text messages started coming in. There were never about what had happened, they were always nice polite texts asking how his day was going. As if they were only acquaintances in life and were never lovers, still Heechul took these as hope. His heart would skip a beat every time his text tone would go off. There were days when he wouldn’t receive anything, those were the days he’d take a shirt or a stuffed animal Hangeng had given him and pour his favorite cologne on it and cry him self to sleep.
After two months he could go possibly a day without thinking about Hangeng. Then there were days that are all he could think about. He had hidden Hangeng’s old shirts. He hadn’t taken the stuffed animals off his bed though and every time his eye caught sight of them he would think about the times he was given them or the times he was completely happy. He had started listening to music in languages he didn’t understand. If he didn’t know the words then he couldn’t connect it to his feelings. It was easier to pretend that the song had nothing to do with what he was going through. The text messages were still coming, there was still that hope that Hangeng would change his mind. He waited patiently for that day to come.
Five months have now passed. He was now a different person everyone commented on it, interviewers were always asking him why he had changed so much. He wouldn’t answer he would scoff at them and just say he had to grow up sometime. The interviewers knew it wasn’t growing up there was no light in his eyes. It was like he was dead inside. Heechul had become silent on TV programs only answering direct questions never chiming in. He gave no affection to the members, he didn’t smile, and he would stare blankly at the cameras until it was his turn to answer a question. Super Junior was working on a new album they were carrying on without Hangeng. His voice had changed; he couldn’t even recognize it himself. It was raspy, it sounded like lyrical pain when he sang, and even if it was the happiest words. One night after a long session of getting a song done the members came home to the dorms to a blinking message. Leeteuk pressed play and it was a voice they hadn’t heard in so long. Everyone eyes turned to Heechul. The tears came down so fast that voice he had not heard in months broke through his ears and stung all the way to his heart.
“I hear you guys are working on a new album. I wanted to wish you all well. I’m sure that it will be a big hit. I look forward to seeing you on all the music programs soon. I hope you are all well.” The message clicked.